


A Glitch In My Soul

by freakingdork



Series: Glitch 'Verse [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Ex-Gay Therapy, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religious Abuse, Religious Conflict, Romance, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-11-23 12:47:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freakingdork/pseuds/freakingdork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU - Spencer Reid is an investigative writer. When he joins an ex-gay support group to write a book about  homosexuals who attempt to change their sexual orientation, he never counted on falling in love. (Additional warnings and a disclaimer inside.)</p><p>Alternatively known as the one where I made everyone queer and used only canon characters, including some notable unsubs, in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feel The Whole Earth Move

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** I'm a white, pansexual cis woman who literally grew up in the church (parents were one of eight couples who started up a church when I was three), but after having issues with the church's hypocrisy in many areas, including sexuality, I left the church and currently identify as an agnostic atheist, though I still attend church every other week as part of my work. My experiences were/are nowhere as extreme as what I'm writing about; because of this, I researched ex-gay practices, read ex-ex-gay people's accounts of their experiences, listened to sermons made by anti-gay preachers, and watched multiple documentaries regarding LGBT individuals and the church, including one specifically about ex-gay ministries. I've also consulted with people whose experiences were more extreme than my own. **This is not a condemnation of religion as a whole, much less religious individuals.**
> 
>  **Chapter Warnings:** Non-graphic mentions of bullying, suicide, sexual abuse, and abuse of power.

One of the best things about writing under a pseudonym was that Spencer never had to come up with aliases and rarely had to doctor up a new history the few times he decided to go undercover to get an insider's view on the subject he'd picked. Even within Dave Rossi's publishing company, Spencer was listed as an editor. It's not entirely untrue either; he has edited other people's work between books while waiting for his inspiration to return.

His latest book on The Genessee River Killer, Arthur Shawcross, had been a bestseller and it was a relief. Nearly all his profits went to his mother's care, which had only gotten more expensive as time went on; the pressure to succeed was always intensified by that. Spencer often felt guilty that he hadn't pursued a career in science or law, especially after researching his last book. Instead, he'd ended up in a writing class and at the urging of his professor, Spencer wrote his first book at age thirteen under his first pseudonym. Because he was so young, Professor Blake helped him pitch it around until Rossi picked it up. The book had been so profitable that he never finished college and he found himself still writing books of various genres twelve years later.

Sometimes, Spencer wished he could go back, but Bennington Sanitarium was the best and his mother deserved the best. Besides, the money that didn't go to her care was split between bills and rent and a savings account he'd set up in case he ever developed schizophrenia himself. There was no money left over to do frivolous things like taking college classes.

***

This time when inspiration struck, Spencer hadn't even been looking for an idea. He'd just been trying to enjoy life a little by going to the local Pride parade. There he'd been handed a flier for an “ex-gay survivors” support group. Spencer was immediately intrigued, even though he didn't know what “ex-gay” meant, let alone an “ex-gay survivor.” When Spencer looked up the terms at home, he knew this would be his next story.

Hell, he might even be able to help some people by writing about it.

***

“I'm not sure how I feel about this,” Rossi says from behind his desk.

Spencer frowns; Rossi's daughter, Ashley, had committed suicide because of the bullying she received for her perceived sexuality and LGBT issues has been important to Rossi ever since. “I don't understand; what are you hung up on?”

“Goddammit Spencer! I'm thinking of your fucking mental health,” Rossi growls. “Do you realize how damaging that shit can be? Even if you don't believe this shit right now, if doing this messes you up in any way, I'll be responsible. Do you get that?”

Fuck. “Well, I'll...I could get a therapist, one that I see on a regular basis to keep me from having a breakdown. What if I did that?” he asks. “And if the therapist thought it was too much, then I'd stop immediately.”

“No, you wouldn't,” Rossi states with conviction.

“No, I wouldn't,” Spencer agrees. “But you know I'm going to do this whether or not you're on board, so you might as well order me to see a therapist as part of the contract.”

“You're such a fucking asshole.”

“Well, I'll fit right in with the evangelical church I'm joining then, eh?” Spencer chuckles, hoping a joke will help.

“Somehow, I doubt that, but okay, okay...I'll draw up the contract,” Rossi says, sighing. “But on top of a therapist, I'm going to stipulate that you talk to some ex-gay survivors first. You need to get a rundown on what you'll be dealing with and I'm sure you can get some good chapters out of those interviews anyway.”

“Fine, if I have to.”

Rossi glares at him. “You'll be thanking me later.”

“Aren't I always?” Spencer smiles. “Well, I should go start researching where exactly I can find a 'good' ex-gay program...say hi to Erin for me, won't you?”

Rossi puts his head in his hands. “She's gonna kill me for letting you do this.”

“Wouldn't be the first time either,” he says, quickly ducking out of his boss' office before Rossi can change his mind.

***

After much debating, Spencer settled near Memphis, Tennessee for his research. Perhaps it wasn't the most anti-gay place he could have chosen, but he'd decided stranding himself in the middle of Utah might not be the smartest decision. He reasoned he could always go further south, if he needed to.

While it wouldn't be his first stop, Memphis was home to an intensive live-in program affiliated with Love In Action, a big name in ex-gay therapy. Besides that, the city also boasted a mega church that was affiliated with Exodus International, the largest network of Christian ministries focusing on converting homosexuals. Their preacher, Charles Hankel, was well-known for his beliefs that homosexual behavior was sinful, that homosexuals needed treatment, and that homosexuality could be cured, if only homosexuals prayed hard enough. Between the live-in program and the church, Spencer figured he wouldn't have to go far to find an ex-gay program to enroll in.

It also meant it hadn't been hard to track down an ex-gay survivor group either.

***

As he enters the coffee shop, a petite blond woman strides towards him with purpose.

“Hi, my name's Jennifer Jareau, we spoke on the phone,” she says.

“Spencer Reid,” he states as she shakes his hand, her grip firm and practiced. “It's very nice to meet you Jennifer.”

“Oh please, call me JJ. All my friends do.”

He smiles and looks towards the table JJ had been sitting at. “Is Mr. Hotchner here yet?”

“No,” JJ says, “Hotch's first ex-wife was running a little late, so he'll get here once she picks up their son.”

“First?”

“Well, I was his second...hell, he was my second too,” she says with a chuckle, herding him towards the table. “As you've probably figured, none of it took.”

“No, I don't suppose it would.”

“I think it _could_ have worked between Hotch and I, if we'd both been straight, you know? It's just...we work so well together, thinking of things the other needs without being asked. When we met at a program, that much was obvious and our leader thought a marriage would help us 'work out our issues,' if we both tried hard enough, of course.” She smirks before frowning slightly. “But we were utterly miserable, forcing ourselves to be something we're not.” She takes a sip of her coffee as the waitress takes Spencer's order. “So now we actually work together with our survivors group.”

“How does that work?” Spencer asks.

“Well, it's like most self-help groups, but we also have a psychologist who joins us every other week to make sure everything's on board.” He must look confused because JJ quickly continues, “You have to realize that most ex-gay programs are structured like self-help groups as well, but there's rarely a psychologist and if there is a psychologist, he's likely had his license revoked. Ah, there's Hotch.”

Tall, dark, and handsome definitely applies to Mr. Hotchner and he moves across the room with the air of a prosecutor. “Hey, sorry guys...Haley started a new job and I've been helping with Jack while she gets on her feet.”

“Not a problem,” Spencer assures, standing to shake the other man's hand. “It's nice to finally meet you Mr. Hotchner.”

He smiles. “The pleasure is all mine, but really, please call me Hotch. Everyone does.”

“I was just telling him about Penelope's role in the group,” JJ says, as the waitress drops off Spencer's coffee and scone.

“Oh yeah, it definitely helps to have a gay-friendly psychologist come into the group because they've only been taught to feel shame and guilt regarding their sexuality. All of them have had such bad experiences with the ex-gay 'approved' therapists, that it's a bit of a struggle at first,” Hotch explains. “In fact, a few of our survivors have been sexually abused by their program-sanctioned therapists, so...”

“Wait, what?” Spencer interrupts, stunned by the revelation that the people who put themselves in such programs were at an even greater risk than he'd initially realized.

“A position of power plus a hell of a lot of repression doesn't tend to breed the healthiest situations," Hotch says, grimacing. "The worst part is that most of them don't recognize it as abuse and end up beating themselves up over 'falling off the wagon' instead.”

“Yeah, it's pretty terrible,” JJ continues, “but once the survivors see that they can trust her and that she actually knows what she's talking about, most of them see Penelope on the side too. Ex-gay survivors are actually her specialty.” She pauses, worrying her lip between her teeth. “Which church did you say you were going to attend?”

“Central Church.”

The pair exchange looks. “You need to be careful of the group leader _and_ the preacher,” Hotch states. “Even though the preacher's son claims he was only abused by a male babysitter, there were some inconsistencies in his story, like how a certain song triggered him, but it hadn't even been on the radio until his teenage years.”

“If nothing else, he's definitely the leader's type,” JJ points out, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.

“Is there somewhere else you'd suggest I go?” Spencer asks, hoping there was a program less dangerous for him to attend.

“Not without having a long drive or moving again,” JJ says, “but the biggest problem is that it's an issue at any place you'd end up at. At least with this church, you'll know who's a clear threat.”

Hotch nods. “Most people would say to never be alone with them and that would be good advice if it weren't nearly impossible to follow. My advice? If you get yourself into a sticky situation, tell the person that you don't want to mess up your 'recovery' and that whatever they're doing is making you want to backslide and then get the hell out of there as soon as possible.”

“Yeah,” JJ agrees, “mention God and sin, anything that will make them feel guilty or ashamed about what they're doing because that's bound to make them back off, even if it is a bit...morally questionable to do so. You gotta look out for you first.”

“Anything else I should know?” Spencer asks.

JJ takes a sip of her coffee. “Well, what's your backstory?”

“I figure my life story is probably good enough since I was a 'sensitive child' who was bad at sports. I probably get some bonus points for my dad walking out on my mom and I when I was ten, right?” Spencer jokes.

Hotch grins. “I see you've been doing your research...they'll definitely eat that up. How about your mom? Overbearing? Too loving?”

“Well, she...on her good days, yeah.” Spencer looks away.

“Chronic illness?” JJ asks. Spencer nods, thankful for the neutral term. “Oh, don't worry, they'll love that too. They'll happily mold their crackpot theories to make your experiences fit within their ridiculous ideas about how people 'end up' gay.”

Spencer sighs.

“Here's our numbers and Penelope's too, but one more thing,” JJ says, looking troubled. “I know you're going to have to spend some one-on-one time with them to get their stories, but don't get too close. It'll hurt too much when you leave and they don't.”

As they part ways, Spencer can't stop thinking about that warning; given her obvious discomfort at any mention of Central Church, he wonders if perhaps there was someone there that JJ wishes had left with her.

***

Despite the fact that he went in knowing that the congregation at Central Church would be large, Spencer wasn't quite expecting it to be so impersonal. People were friendly, but distant, sticking mostly to the people they already knew. It made sense; the size of the congregation made it more difficult to spot newcomers. That was fine by Spencer because it gave him more time to observe without interruption.

Sitting in church was a strange experience for Spencer. On her good days, his mother expressed little interest in religion and at one point, Diana sat him down and rationally explained why she was an atheist; on her bad days, she thought the Christian god and his religious followers were part of a government group, sent to watch their every move. It really only seemed to apply to the Christian god though because there were a handful of really bad days where she claimed a couple of the Greek gods were speaking to her.

Charles Hankel was as conservative as preachers get, in all areas of belief - women were to be subservient to men, evolution had no place in schools but prayer did, the Bible was infallible because it was the literal word of God, and heaven forbid any of the congregation vote Democrat in the next election. Even sermons that were not directly about the sins of homosexuality were peppered with homophobic comments and insinuations. At times, Spencer was convinced the preacher truly believed that “committing homosexual acts” was worse than all actual sins combined.

Perhaps the most painful part was knowing that Charles' son, Tobias, was gay and had to sit through such public condemnations every week. If Charles really had abused Tobias...well, that thought sat in Spencer's gut like a stone.

Overall, it made Spencer glad that he hadn't just leapt right into a program; based on the limited knowledge he'd acquired a few years back when he visited various New York churches, it seemed as though each church denomination had their own language and each church within its denomination had its own dialect. He had assumed it would be better to learn the “language” first and each Sunday only confirmed that he'd been right. The rhetoric - and the confusing “logic” that went with it - was much easier for him to understand as time went on.

***

His sixth Sunday, he's in the lobby, waiting for the service to start, when a man with flawless brown skin and some of the most fabulous muscles sidles up next to him. Spencer wonders if the man realizes just how flirtatious that move is; he doubts it, but damn if he isn't wishing they're at a bar rather than an extremely homophobic church.

“You're new.”

Spencer laughs. “Is it really obvious?”

“Pretty boy, there ain't too many guys with long hair around here and I know them all,” the man says confidently. As Spencer grins at the statement, the man frowns and a slight panic shine in his eyes. “I mean, it's...you're...I shouldn't have called you that.”

“It's not the worst I've been called, but for future reference, my name is Spencer Reid,” he teases, putting his hand forward.

The man's lip curls up in a half-smile before taking Spencer's hand, lingering a bit longer than Spencer thinks he meant to. “Derek Morgan, glad to meet you. So...are you new to town or just Central Church?”

“Well, I got in from New York awhile ago,” Spencer says. He looks down, hoping it will read more as nervous and shameful than flirty. “I came here because I was thinking about participating in some, uhh... _programs_.”

“Oh?” Derek asks. He covertly glances at Spencer's arms - so perhaps a cop, fellow addict, or both - before giving him a once over. “For your umm...attractions?” 

Spencer wants to be open, to just be able to say 'yes, _of course_ I'm here because I'm queer' rather than play this game, but the last thing he wants to do was scare off a potential friend, especially one that's so attractive.

“Yeah, I mean...” Spencer starts.

“No, that's...good, really good. I've been attending them and I'm doing much better.”

The flirting from earlier make him doubtful, but Spencer's curiosity is piqued. “Really?”

“Definitely,” Derek says, smiling. “I hope it'll help you too.”

“Thanks. Well, look's like the service is about to start...do you want to sit with me?”

And there's that panicked look again. “No, I've got people I'm supposed to sit with. Uh, see you around though?”

“You bet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically, I started writing this in July/August, but it was slow going until the last month or two and I didn't want to put it out there without having a buffer (since I have a terrible habit of taking a very long time writing chaptered stuff). **I'm going to release chapters on a biweekly basis** because I only have 4 of the 7-8 chapters done (plus 2 chapters are partially written). This should give me plenty of time to get it all done on time.
> 
> A huge huge huge thanks to my beta, lilijuliet, without whom this would not be possible. I love you and you are also quite terrible. ;-)


	2. A Glitch In My Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Warnings:** non-graphic mentions of past non-con (mostly canon, some non-canon) and drug abuse

As soon as Derek laid eyes on the church's latest visitor, he knew he was doomed; the man was just his type and reminded him of someone he'd worked with in Miami. Sure, he had a thing for skinny white boys, but the defined cheekbones, hair long enough to really sink your fingers in and pull, and the charm in his little half-smiles reminded him far too much of Ken and that was Not Good. Any thoughts of Ken inevitably led to thoughts of stripping and sex and drugs and left Derek wanting to fall as far off his new narrow path as possible.

It ends up being Emily who goads him into talking to the new guy.

"I mean, he's gotta be new to the whole church thing," she suggests, "or else he wouldn't look like he's...well _you know_."

He nods and really hopes she'll drop it because the guy looks positively appetizing.

"You should talk to him."

"What?" he asks. It seems like the worst possible idea, though he figures Emily isn't thinking about how tempting the guy might be to him.

"Well, most everyone is avoiding him and if someone isn't friendly soon, he'll probably give up and leave without even trying therapy. C'mon, you're so good with people and you don't want him to get away, do you?"

No, he doesn't and that's the main problem. 

The ensuing conversation with Spencer leaves him more than a little lost. Derek had thought he'd been doing okay with his feelings towards men, but the itch he can't scratch is definitely back in full force.

“How'd it go?” Emily whispers as they sat in their usual pew.

“I think he's hooked,” Derek replies, even though he's sure it's the other way around.

***

While it isn't surprising that Spencer shows up to the next group meeting two days later, it's still unsettling. Emily nudges him with her elbow and smiles, happy that her plan had worked. Spencer grins and gives him a meager wave, but doesn't come over. Instead, he grabs some coffee and Derek watches, nearly hypnotized by the way Spencer's long fingers hold the spoon as he adds in the sugar. When the group's leader finally strolls in, everyone seats themselves in the circle of chairs.

“Well, it looks like we have someone new today,” Jason states and Spencer gives a quick nod. “I'm Jason Gideon and I'm in charge here. I hope we can make you feel welcome because we'd love for you to continue to come to meetings.”

Jason pauses until Spencer offers his name and adds “I'm umm...trying to get control of my sinful urges and live the life God wants me to?”

“Good,” Jason praises, practically purring. “Now I usually like to have a general idea of where my members are at in their healing process and their history, but it'd be a bit unfair to make you share when we're all basically strangers to you. Is there anyone who'd like to share first?”

When no one responds, Jason prompts, “We _all_ want Spencer to feel welcome here, right?”

Derek is surprised when Elle stands up; she's an intensely private person who had only recently started talking again after about six months of shutting them out.

“My mom was an alcoholic and she couldn't hold down a job after my dad died on the job, so we lived with my uncle. He molested me until I moved out and I've been raped by two other men since then,” Elle states, flat and factual. “Oh, and I like woman.”

She practically glares at Jason, perhaps challenging him to say something about the rapes. After a brief nod from him to show that she'd met his requirement, she sits down, arms crossed as if to shield herself from further discomfort. Derek knows she likely blames Jason for setting her up with Randall and William and he thought she had every right to do so. Jason may not have realized at the time that they were abusive men looking to “correct” Elle's sexuality, but Derek is uncomfortable with the way Jason has continued to justify his actions and the fact that Elle had been pressured to not report them. Instead, the men had been quietly kicked out of the church and that doesn't sit right with Derek either.

Adam stands next and begins laying out his painful past of his father dressing him in his dead mother's clothes before sexually abusing him, his eyes turned to the floor and his whole body shaking. Derek knows all of their stories - Steven's mother is dead, his stepmother is resentful and uncaring, and his father used to practice choke holds on him, probably still does; Emily had a cold, distant mother, there was her experimentation with drugs as a teen, and she never formed proper attachments due to being moved every few years; Nathan claims no trauma, he was just born that way, which Jason has never accepted; and supposedly Tobias had been abused by his “babysitter.” Derek hates doubting a survivor's story in any way, but it isn't that he doesn't believe Tobias had been abused. No, Tobias had more likely been abused by more than just one person, though Derek isn't sure who, and he often wonders if anyone else sees it too.

There are so many things Derek could say about himself and they painfully race through his brain. Most of them are things that the group doesn't even know about, things they couldn't understand. He's convinced that if the courts had sent him to live with his auntie instead of his grandparents, things would have been completely different.

As Tobias finishes his story, Derek sighs and stands up. “My parents died when I was just a kid, about a year apart, and my sisters and I were sent to live with her parents. They were...well, they didn't like us much, never approved of my parents' marriage, so I spent a lot of time at this youth center. The director there, Buford...he coached football and abused me until I went off college.” He takes a deep breath, trying to keep the memories at bay. “A few years ago, when I was at the worst of my addiction, I was working as a cop during the day and stripping in an all-men revue and doing drugs at night. I've been here for about three years, working on getting rid of my unhealthy urges.”

He takes a quick glance at Spencer's face, expecting a look of disgust, but there's no disgust to be found; Derek isn't sure if the empathy in Spencer's eyes is better or worse than what he'd been expecting.

Spencer looks expectantly at Jason, clearly waiting for his story, and Derek wants to laugh. Jason refuses to share his story in group; apparently they're supposed to read his two autobiographies before attending their weekly meetings.

“Well Spencer, do you feel more comfortable to share now?”

“Uh, sure,” he says, rising out of his seat. “I was always ummm...sensitive and my dad tried to get me into baseball to, you know, _help_ , but I was absolutely terrible at it. He left when I was ten, left me with my chronically ill mother who could hardly take care of herself, much less me. Kids at school bullied me. I did have one friend, Ethan, who was a couple years older than me and we...dated, I guess, but then he became an alcoholic and I started using drugs and I realized how...unhealthy homosexuality is.” Spencer pauses. “Umm...that's pretty much it?”

Spencer looks at Jason and thankfully, Jason nods his approval. The poor kid had looked so nervous by the end that Derek isn't sure what he'd have done if Jason hadn't accepted his testimony.

There's a few other things they discuss before the end of the meeting, but Derek finds himself unable to concentrate on them. Instead, he wonders about Spencer, a loop of thoughts that range from friendly to unhealthy. Derek knows he should stay as far away from Spencer as possible if he truly wants to keep himself from making choices he'll later regret.

So why does he feel jealous when he catches Spencer making plans to get coffee with Emily in a few days?

***

Lusting over someone who isn't yours is a sin, so by default, watching pornography is sinful. Derek isn't sure God would mind too much though, knowing that he's only watching it to help get rid of his unnatural urges and replace them with more natural ones. Jason had certainly hinted at it anyway.

Finding something that interests him is difficult though. Too much of it is overproduced and he isn't even sure if most of the women are actually enjoying it, which is disturbing and makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't even want to think about how painful those fake nails are when the women masturbate. Besides, he finds that “big, black cock” and other representations of people of color from porn companies tend to be rather offensive and demeaning. So he settles on trying to find “homemade” porn, figuring that depictions of couples in a loving and committed relationship are possibly less sinful and more instructive than mainstream porn.

It takes him awhile to find a video that at least somewhat interests him. The girl is skinny and cute and he can admit she has a pretty face, full of expression. Derek tries his hardest to focus on just her face and her small, pert breasts, nothing lower; still, it's hard not to glance at the man pounding into her. He isn't really Derek's type - too muscular, bulky instead of thin and compact - but he keeps peeking at the man's cock.

From what he'd seen just before he moved the video past the blowjob to get to the penetrative sex, the other man's cock is gorgeous and proportionate to the man's body. The more Derek thinks about it - the way it curves slightly to the left and how prominent one of the veins is - the harder he gets and he knows how problematic that is, especially considering that he's trying to convince his brain that he can be attracted to women. He tries his best to refocus himself, staring at the face of the woman, but he can't stop thinking about the man's cock. The sounds of the man's balls, heavy with arousal, smacking against the woman are loud in his head.

When the woman climbs into the man's lap and starts fucking him that way, Derek realizes the reason the woman is even the slightest bit appealing - with her small chest and short hair, she's more androgynous than the women in mainstream porn. And now that just her back is facing the camera, he can almost pretend she's a guy. Derek jerks himself harder to her golden brown hair and lithe figure, to the memory of her high cheekbones as she continues fucking the man vigorously.

The picture of Spencer riding him like that pops into his head just before he comes.

And as the shame and guilt leave him choking for air, Derek knows he's well and truly fucked.

***

Derek can't admit to having such sinful thoughts about another group member in his one-on-one session with Jason because experience had taught him that one of them would likely be kicked out. It'd probably be Spencer and the thought that it might turn him back to the homosexual lifestyle would be too great a burden to bear. He figures God would probably forgive him for a little white lie since it's to protect someone's attempt to get better.

"Uh, I need to confess something that I....well, I should have talked about earlier."

Jason raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. That generally isn't a good sign.

"For awhile now, I've been having...feelings about one of my coworkers. It's well known in the department that he's a practicing homosexual and it's not like I can completely cut him out of my life, you know?" Derek says. "I'm stuck seeing him on a regular basis and I don't know what to do."

"Have you been talking to God about it?"

"Of course I have," Derek says before swallowing hard. It isn't a lie, but that doesn't particular matter since he still feels like he hasn't tried hard enough.

"Maybe you should pray harder, more often," Jason states, as if it's that simple, as if he knows Derek feels like he hasn't been trying hard enough. "You could talk about it in the next group session. It's always better to have others praying too, especially when they know exactly what to pray for."

"Yeah, I suppose that could help."

Jason smiles. "Good, I'm glad you trust us enough to bring it up. Before we end tonight, I was thinking we could do some hug therapy."

Derek squirms in his seat. "I don't think I could handle it after...all this."

"You'll never get better if you can't learn to trust other men in loving but platonic ways. You want to get better, don't you?" Jason asks.

"Okay, okay, but just for a bit."

And really, hugging isn't that bad compared to what his last leader had done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) So I do have reasons behind why I killed Fran and sent Morgan and his siblings off to his (white) grandparents. The short answer is this: Morgan's canonical past did not lead him to following such a strict path, so something had to change. The longer answer is going up on my fic tumblr (fdorkfic), tagged “exgay extras.”
> 
> 2) Also, Ken is the ONLY non-CM character that will show up in this fic. Feel free to blame Shelby and the fact that Shemar should have been in Magic Mike for that addition.


	3. Put Away My Flesh And Bone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Warnings:** abuse of power (sexualized in nature), anti-gay slur  
>  **A/N -** This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Jasper, partially because this fic is all her fault, but also because today is her birthday. Happy birthday love.

Penelope Garcia is not at all like what Spencer had envisioned.

The therapists and other mental health professionals he'd met when searching for a placement for his mother along with the staff at Bennington Sanitarium were straight-laced and conservatively dressed.

No, the last thing he expects is her boisterous wardrobe and brightly colored office, the walls lined with toys and trinkets. It's comforting in a way because it doesn't _feel_ stiff or rigid. Spencer could see the value in it for her ex-gay survivors; for someone having been repressed and held down for so long, being in such a creative space must be that much more freeing. For Spencer, the comfort comes more from the fact that psychologists and psychiatrists had too often been the bearers of bad news and he'd been dreading this part of his contract.

“Well, I hope you don't mind, but I figured we could just jump right on in to what you'd like to work on in therapy.”

Spencer nods. “This is all confidential, right?”

“Of course! As long as you're not going to hurt yourself or others, I can't tell anyone what we've said here and trust me, you aren't going to surprise me.”

“I'm writing a book on ex-gay therapy.”

Penelope gapes at him for a moment before she chuckles. “Okay, you got me there, but Spencer, I can't talk to you about what my clients have shared with me for the very same reason I can't talk about what _you_ say here.”

“Oh god, I know. The issue is, well, I'm going undercover and my publisher was worried about how it might affect my mental health,” Spencer explains.

“Your publisher is a very smart man.” Penelope twirls her fuzzy pen. “I'm not sure how ethical it is for you to be in their groups to write a book, but I'd love to have ex-gay practices exposed.”

“This isn't my first time undercover...I know how to write about a subject matter so that not even the group members will be able to tell who is who.”

“Alright, I'll take your word for it, sugar. What should we talk about today then? Have you been to any meetings yet?”

“Just one so far and it was...painful,” Spencer says. “The leader made them share what most people would consider to be their darkest secrets to make _me_ 'feel comfortable.' I could hardly stand it by the time they were done. I mean, you probably hear stuff like that every day...how do you stand it?” Spencer asks.

Penelope smiles. “Oh sweetie, I have my own therapist. I don't know one who doesn't.”

“I guess that makes sense,” he says, a little surprised. “The worst thing was...I was so nervous by the time that they got to me, I was nearly tripping over my words. I'm sure that most of them thought I was jittery because I had to stand up and give my 'testimony,' but that wasn't it at all.”

“So what worried you?” she asks.

“That I'd be found out, of course.”

“I bet you've had worries like that when you went undercover before.” When Spencer nods, Penelope continues, “So what made it worse this time?”

“I'm not sure. The guilt would probably be overwhelming if they found out I'm not there to 'change' myself, especially right after they'd all shared so much, but it seems like there's something more. Maybe it was the way the group leader looked at me? I got your number from Hotch and JJ and they said I was his type. I don't know if I was being paranoid, but Jason seemed far too...interested.”

“Oh dear, you're in _Jason's_ group?” Penelope looks him over more thoroughly. “Yeah, definitely his type. It still went well though?”

“Yeah and I even got one of the members to agree to meet me for coffee later this week, so that'll make it easier to learn more about her and maybe some of the other members too, depending on how open she is.”

Penelope nods. “Well, our time's about up, but one more question: how are you feeling right now?”

“Similar to other times I've been undercover. I'm nervous, but that'll go away after awhile. I don't feel depressed or confused about my identity. I like you well enough, but I'm still not worried.”

“Okay, let's schedule you for once every other week. If you feel the need to come in more often, I won't judge you and I always keep a bit of wiggle room in my schedule for emergency appointments. You don't have to do this alone.”

“Thanks, Penelope,” Spencer says, shaking her hand before leaving.

***

His personal therapy sessions with Jason were invasive, unsettling and generally creepy. Jason stared at him openly and asked extremely intrusive questions in a voyeuristic manner. In the first session, Jason grilled him on what his type was, under the guise of helping him identify his problem areas; Spencer might have believed it was purely altruistic if Jason hadn't seemed far more invested in whether or not he was interested in older men as compared to other traits. He was also probed for details of his relationship with Ethan - did Ethan have facial hair, what size was his penis, what kinds of sex did they engage in, had they ever used drugs while having sex, and other questions that clearly didn't pertain to his “treatment.”

Hug therapy was the worst; gradually, nearly imperceptibly, Jason's hands would slide down, until they were just barely above his ass and Jason's breathing would become labored. Each time Jason suggested ending their session with hug therapy, Spencer hoped that he wouldn't go any further; the last thing he needed was the group leader grinding an erection into his groin and Spencer felt uncomfortable with the idea of using the strategy Hotch had suggested. More than that though, it made him fear for the other men in his group. Did they all feel as uncomfortable as he did? Was Jason going further and outright abusing any of them while claiming it was in their best interests?

As much as he wanted to, Spencer couldn’t afford to skip one-on-one therapy; it read as being unwilling to change and the last thing Spencer wanted was any doubt cast his way.

Spencer finally started to see the wisdom in Rossi's insistence that he see someone like Penelope. She provided a much needed haven and he couldn't imagine going through ex-gay therapy on his own. He even bumped up his sessions with her to twice a week.

***

Coffee with Emily had gone well enough to lead to a standing 'date' every Monday morning. She wasn't a very easy person to get to know and preferred talking around anything personal, but Spencer still felt like she was gradually warming up every time they went out. While her relationship with her mother was clearly distressing, Spencer didn't get the feeling that it was strained because of Emily's sexual orientation. It seemed to be something long past - something that didn't bother Emily, but did bother her mother - from the way Emily's eyes glazed over on the few occasions he'd gotten that far into a conversation. On one occasion, she actually mentioned one of the old group members who had been a slip up for her, a blonde in media relations. It was obvious to Spencer who she was talking about and painfully clear that Emily still had strong feelings for JJ. It made Spencer ache for them, both still entrenched in their feelings for one another and yet, they couldn't be farther apart.

All of his other attempts at trying to interact with the group members outside of group were more difficult. That wasn't a surprise in the least; he'd deliberately picked Emily first for a reason. Based on the sheer fact that she was a woman, Spencer was "allowed" to hang out with her alone and Emily didn't have the trust issues that Elle did. He quickly decided against ever inviting Elle out; it seemed too insensitive given her experiences and he didn't want to aggravate what he identified as PTSD symptoms.

Tobias was also off-limits. Despite how curious Spencer was about what it was like to be the gay son of a homophobic preacher, that was exactly the problem. Being the preacher's son made engaging Tobias that much more dangerous. It wasn't just risky for Spencer; Tobias being caught out by a church member in even the slightest compromising position - even something as innocent as a cup of coffee with another member of the group - would get back to his father one way or another and Spencer would never be so careless with another person's safety.

Steven was quite bit easier than the rest of the men. His willingness quickly became more understandable when he tried hitting on Spencer at the restaurant, which made Spencer quite certain that Steven was only in the group to appease his abusive father and passive stepmom. He politely turned down Steven's offer and still managed to get him to stick around, ensuring that he got plenty of notes and ideas for an extra chapter. Spencer felt for the kid, but Steven was nearly eighteen and probably waiting for college to really break free from his oppressive environment and Spencer had to trust that he'd be able to survive until then.

Nathan was angry that he didn't have a "trigger" that made him gay. While he wouldn't admit it in group because of Jason's disapproval, it troubled him greatly and he spent a lot of time obsessing about it. At the base of it, Nathan just wanted to understand himself and the explanations he found in group and individual sessions were ultimately unfulfilling. Spencer wished there was a way to tell him that he was looking in the wrong place, that he'd never find answers as long as he kept his searching confined to homophobic environments, that there really weren't any ‘reasons’ why people were queer. They just were. There were signs that maybe things would change for him too - Nathan was still young and as far as Spencer could tell, his mother wasn't terribly happy at her son's quest to become straight.

Adam felt especially ashamed about his past because he'd spent time cross-dressing for pleasure in clubs and contests as an adult. That side of him was practically a whole different person in Adam's mind, which Spencer deduced as some sort of coping mechanism. Unsurprisingly, Adam had been the first to suggest Spencer cut his hair. It was too feminine and after a few comments from other members, Spencer chopped it off. His hair had clearly made some of them uncomfortable and those who weren't uncomfortable questioned his commitment to "getting better." Cutting his hair was a small price to pay for their acceptance and trust.

Strangely, the man who had first invited him to attend group was the one who avoided him the most.

After much thought, Spencer finally figured how to worm his way in. If asked for help, Derek would always come through. Derek couldn't seem to fight it, regardless of the circumstances - it was a facet of his protective nature - and while Spencer felt bad manipulating him, he couldn't see any other way around it. When Spencer asked Derek to be his “wingman” at a sports bar, Derek only paused for a moment before agreeing.

***

“I assumed you didn't like sports,” Derek says with a shrug, explaining his initial hesitance.

Spencer laughs as they walk into the bar. “Just because I turned down the offer to be on the church's softball team doesn't mean I dislike sports or don't understand them. Believe it or not, I used to coach the high school basketball team once I figured out the opposing team's shooting strategies.”

“Alrighty smarty pants, is there anything you're not good at?” Derek teases as they sit down at the table.

“Uh...flirting?”

Despite everything, Derek seems surprised by the answer, but takes it in stride. “I guess that's why we're here, huh?”

“Yeah. I mean, I didn't do well hitting on men either, so I feel even more lost when it comes to women.”

Derek's quiet until after the bartender takes their order and brings their drinks. It's somewhat uncomfortable, but Spencer is sure Derek just needs a moment.

“What makes you think I'm not at a loss too?” Derek asks, a sadness in his eyes tugging at Spencer's heart.

“You're better with people in general, so I assumed it might transfer over to other areas,” Spencer says with a shrug. He doesn't want to explain that their first meeting had shown him to just how flirty Derek could be. “If it doesn't, that's fine, maybe we can both help each other instead.”

“I guess...with guys, it was easier because it was often just about sex? Obviously, that's not a good idea anymore and women probably wouldn't appreciate it anyway.” Taking a sip of his beer, Derek looks thoughtful. “It's gotta be just like meeting a new person, right? How about talking about something you know well, something that you feel like you're an expert in?”

“Uh, statistics?”

“I thought you said you were an editor.”

Spencer shrugs.

“Ok, well, some women might like that here if you've got stats on the teams playing, but you're probably going to bore people if that goes on too long. What about something else?”

“I'm pretty confident when I'm doing magic.”

Derek probably doesn't realize how cute he is when he's bewildered. “Seriously?”

“I grew up in Vegas.”

“Remind me to never play poker with you. I bet you're a card counter,” Derek accuses playfully.

“Wouldn't you like to know?” Spencer asks, biting his lip.

As he watches Derek's face shift, Spencer realizes he'd made a mistake and been too flirty in his response.

“Umm, so, I'll just...go...try that? The...uh, magic?”

Derek laughs. “Yeah, but you're gonna have to be more confident than that.”

Spencer nods, gets up, and walks over to Austin, a friend he'd made at a local bookstore. He hadn't been lying about being terrible at flirting - he really only realizes after the fact that he's been doing it - and while Spencer feels bad for making arrangements ahead of time, he wants Derek to feel like they'd accomplished something, as ridiculous as that seems.

“I bet your boyfriend doesn't know it, but he's staring daggers at me,” Austin says, pretending to be enthralled by his magic trick. Spencer doesn't say anything about it, just keeps up the act until Austin writes down her number.

When Spencer comes back to the table, Derek's face is plastered with a tight grin. “There you go. That's called game.”

Before he can respond, Derek wraps his arm around Spencer's shoulders and walks them out of the bar, his smile a little more genuine. Spencer doesn't ask why one successful pick up is enough to leave or why Derek doesn't test out his own skills as well. He'd rather pretend like he doesn't know the answer.

***

Spencer settled into a routine - coffee with Emily on Monday, an individual session with Jason and dinner with Derek on Tuesday, a session with Penelope on Wednesday, the group meetings on Thursday and another session with Penelope on Friday. The weekends were kept open besides the four or five hours he spent at church on Sunday; the rest of the time, he spent organizing notes, making outlines and listening to Rossi grumble over the phone. Occasionally he spent his free time with other group members, especially when he had a bout of writer's block.

It was good, he thought. His book was slowly but steadily getting done and no one appeared to suspect that he wasn't anything other than he said he was. Yes, the individual and group sessions at Central were never pleasant, but balancing them out with therapy appointments with Penelope helped. Things were playing out as planned and Spencer couldn't help but feel pleased by how well things were going.

***

About two months in, Derek stands up in group, glancing at everyone in the room before speaking.

"I've been talking to Jason about this for awhile, but I felt I needed to uhh...come clean about something that's been plaguing me."

Spencer nods as he knows he's supposed to; it's the best form of encouragement in these kinds of matters. Everyone else seems to perk up as well and Spencer wonders if they know something he doesn't.

"I've had a persistent crush on a guy who transferred to my unit a few months back and to make it worse...he's, he's..." Derek stops for a deep breath and Spencer's heart seizes up as he watches Derek struggle. The pain crackles in his throat as he continues, "He's a fag like me.”

Derek hangs his head and Jason gets up, putting his hand on Derek's shoulder. "Derek has been praying on his own and with me, but it hasn't been enough. That's why we decided to bring it to the group...he needs all of you to be prayer warriors for him. In order to be victorious in his struggle over his sexual brokenness, he needs our help."

It takes a few seconds for Spencer to realize that everyone is standing and moving in closer to Derek to “lay hands” on him. He hurries to catch up, reaching out without realizing his hand would land on Derek's bicep from the angle he was at. It startles Derek more than Spencer thinks it should and after glancing down at his hand, Derek looks up into Spencer's eyes.

The expression on his face tells Spencer all he needs to know. Derek isn't talking about a coworker; he's talking about Spencer.

His heart skips a beat and while he's known there was a heavy truth in the warning JJ had given him, Spencer hadn't been able to rid himself of the feelings about Derek he's been developing. Now that Derek's inadvertently expressed that Spencer isn't alone in his feelings, he knows it's going to be that much harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re: using the f-word - I spent a lot of time debating whether or not to use it and I've been very nervous about including it. To be clear, it's not a word that Morgan would use in canon, regardless of his (or other people's) sexual orientation, because he's not homophobic. As such, I generally hate when it's used in fic. Until I sent it to my beta (with a note included), I wasn't even sure if I would include it because I wasn't sure it would get across the point I was trying to make. My intent was to show just how severe Morgan's self-loathing is; I tried “queer” and “homosexual,” but I felt those blunted the emotional impact and did not fully get across just how much he hates himself.


	4. Burn My Desires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added a paragraph to chapter 3. It's not important in terms of plot, but I felt bad that I forgot entirely about a side character in the section about Reid hanging out with the other group members. There's no need to go back and read it; I just wanted to mention it in case someone else noticed and didn't say anything.
> 
>  **Chapter Warnings:** triggering nightmares (sexual abuse)

As he watched Spencer flirt, the pain and longing that flowed through Derek's veins nearly overpowered him. The woman had been quickly engrossed and charmed by Spencer’s magic tricks; making coins disappear and reappear highlighted his long, elegant hands, which Derek knew could be entirely mesmerizing. Derek wasn't surprised that Spencer was a natural flirt once he stopped thinking so hard and just threw himself into the water. The man was truly clueless of just how appealing he was.

It didn't matter that he knew being with Spencer would be wrong; something heavy settled in his chest, pushing down, down, down as the woman smiled happily at Spencer and passed her number across the table.

He quickly paid their tab so that when Spencer came back, they could just leave; Spencer didn't even try to argue and Derek was relieved. How could he explain that he was simultaneously happy and disappointed with Spencer's apparent success?

The next group meeting, he managed to confess his attraction to his “coworker” and nearly wept when he saw concern transfer into a glimmer of realization in Spencer's eyes. Thankfully, any emotion he displayed during and after the prayer was written off as God touching his heart by the rest of the group members. Spencer had seen right through him though, right through his bullshit, and it scared him more than he was willing to admit. While he had weighed the danger of sharing how he felt in such a public space, he truly hadn't expected Spencer to practically read his mind.

Despite knowing how Derek felt, Spencer kept asking him to hang out and worse still, Derek kept accepting. Jason didn't seem to notice, which was unusual, but Derek wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Among the other group members, it was an open secret that they were meeting up outside of group, but they collectively seemed loathed to say anything. The only person to mention it was Emily and her whispered “JJ and I used to watch movies after group” wasn't surprising in the least. The quiet reminder was all he needed to feel scared for himself and perhaps a little sick that it wasn't enough to stop him. Even though he knew he was playing with fire, every time Derek steeled himself for the question, he found his resolve buckling under Spencer's casual invitations. After awhile, Spencer didn't even need to ask; they settled into a routine of having dinner every Tuesday night and got together on the weekends whenever they could.

***

With all of the emotions Spencer was reawakening, Derek was expecting the nightmares; he wasn't expecting the frequency or intensity.

Buford featured prominently in all of them. Sometimes, Derek was a kid and he was simply reliving his past, but other times, Buford showed up at inopportune moments to casually remind him just how unacceptable his feelings for Spencer were. In perhaps the most distressing nightmare, he'd been blowing Spencer and then instead of Derek's lips wrapped tight around his cock, he was suddenly watching Buford sucking Spencer off, almost taunting him. Each and every time, he woke in a cold sweat with Clooney whining at the end of his bed.

It was exhausting to fight an invisible monster every night and he knew his work was suffering for it. At work, it was easily enough to explain away. Just before the nightmares began, there'd been a case . that haunted him. Derek didn't say why he wasn't sleeping, but his coworkers were at least intelligent enough to not ask.

Outside of work, he wasn't nearly as lucky.

***

“This isn't even a fair fight,” Spencer complains. “You're half-asleep! If I'm gonna win, I want to actually win fair and square.”

Derek sets the controller down and presses his palms to his eyes. While Spencer is clearly more skilled than him at Dead Or Alive, they're usually more evenly matched. He wishes his lack of sleep wasn't so noticeable because Derek knows Spencer is perceptive. The last thing he wants to talk about is how his past is haunting him with the man who's triggering it.

“Sorry, I haven't been sleeping well.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Just...nightmares. Work's been a little rough, but it's nothing I haven't dealt with before.”

“Must be pretty serious though. Have you gotten any sleep lately?” Spencer puts a comforting hand on Derek's bicep.

Derek shrugs slightly, trying to be as nonchalant about Spencer's hand as possible.

“You know, I used to have nightmares a lot,” Spencer shares. He seems to remember himself in that moment and moves his hand back to his lap; Derek feels cold where it had been.

“Yeah?”

“For awhile, I thought my dad was a pedophile and a murderer because he kept showing up in a nightmare, standing over a dead child behind the washer in my childhood basement.”

Derek knows the shock is plain on his face as his stomach flip-flops at the thought. “What changed your mind?”

“Talking to my mom,” Spencer says plainly, as if it's the only explanation needed. It certainly doesn't feel like enough for Derek, but he won't press the issue. “Do you want to talk about your nightmares?”

Derek shakes his head and thankfully, Spencer takes him at his word.

“Well then, you'd better get ready to lose again,” Spencer warns, picking up his controller and biting his lip in the most delicious manner.

“Over my dead body,” he replies, letting out a huff of a laugh.

***

They're in bed and Derek's a little hazy on how they got there, but as he watches Spencer finger himself open, Derek finds he can't quite bring himself to care.

“C'mon Derek,” Spencer whines, rocking on his fingers just above Derek's rock-hard erection. “You know you want to fuck me. Please, I'm ready for you.”

Derek strangles out a moan and gently grasps Spencer's hips, trying to signal his readiness. Long fingers stroke him, spreading lube on his cock before Spencer holds him against his hole. Slowly sinking down, Spencer tosses back his head in pleasure.

“Oh fuck that feels good,” Derek breathes.

“Can I...?” Spencer asks, leaning forward and lightly pressing both of Derek's arms down.

Derek nods; he feels safe enough and not just because he could break away at any second. There's something about Spencer that makes it extremely easy to trust him. Derek wonders if it's his earnest nature, but when Spencer presses down harder on his arms, speeds up the rhythm of his hips, it's kind of hard to concentrate on anything else.

“I'm so close,” Spencer gasps, his eyes screwing up in pleasure.

And maybe Spencer comes and maybe he doesn't, but that's when Derek wakes up alone with a mess on his hands.

***

Derek isn't sure the lustful dream is particularly healthy.

On the other hand, it's certainly nice to sleep, uninterrupted by his demons, all night long.

***

It was just a brief conversation with his partner, something that Lila probably thought of as unimportant banter. A remark about his recent “grumpiness” and how he needed to work it out with “a good lay” brought about an idea he was sure Lila definitely hadn't intended.

Having sex with someone, even a woman, was out of the picture, but making sure _Spencer_ went on a date could be what he needed. If Spencer was distracted by a woman, maybe he'd stop tempting Derek by always being around and seeing him in a relationship might make it easier to accept that Spencer was not an option. Not that Spencer ever had been option.

Yes, a date. That's exactly what Spencer needed.

***

“Have you called her yet?” Derek asks a few days later.

Spencer barely looks up from his Pad Thai. “Hmm?”

“You know, Austin, the chick from the bar.” There's a part of him that absolutely hates having to say her name at all, but it's somewhat tempered by the fact that Spencer has possibly forgotten her entirely.

“Oh,” Spencer says, obviously flustered if the blush rising on his face is any clue. “No, I, uh...I've been too nervous, I guess.”

“Spencer, she was really into you.” Spencer is silent, so Derek continues, uncomfortable but determined, “Seriously, I could tell man. Like really into you.”

“I dunno Derek.” Spencer sighs. “It's not that simple.”

“Sure it is. I got a girl's number at the bar too,” Derek lies. He hadn't expected this to be such a hard sell and before he realizes it, he's saying the words that he'll likely regret for days to come, “We could do a double date.”

Spencer raises an eyebrow. “Why are you pushing this so hard?”

“C'mon man, I care about you. Of course I want you to succeed in living the life God has planned for you.” His chest feels tight as he says the words. It's true that he cares, but Derek knows he cares far too much in a completely pathological way. One of them needs to be successful in changing their lifestyle and Derek knows that after all the years of trying, it's unlikely to be himself.

Spencer sucks in a deep breath as if the idea is painful. “Ok, yeah, I guess we could do that.”

If Spencer is cold and distant the rest of the night, well that isn't Derek's fault. Not at all.

***

For a double date to work, Derek has to actually have a date and that's the crux of the matter. The problem isn't that he's unable to meet women - they tend to gravitate to him naturally - but rather that he doesn't want a date who's going to expect something from him at the end of the night. While he really only sees one viable option, it's a risky choice; Derek honestly doesn't know if he's hoping she'll say yes or no.

***

“C'mon, I just wanna help the kid,” Derek says as he sits down across from her at her dining room table.

Jordan shakes her head. “There is no way I'm being your beard, especially not so you can 'help' some guy turn himself straight.”

“You owe me,” Derek states, wishing he'd done this over the phone instead of visiting her house; then he wouldn't have to see the mixture of frustration and pity wash over her features. “It's just an hour, maybe two at the most. That's nothing compared to the Thanksgiving weekend I pretended to be your 'boyfriend' a few years back.”

“Derek, that's not...the same.”

“It's still lying Jordan,” Derek argues. “Besides, you're the one who has told me time and time again that it's not fair to get some nice woman's hopes up when I'm not fully healed.”

Jordan frowns. “No, I believe my words were 'when you're not attracted to them' because you don't need...”

“Stop! Just...don't, ok?” he pleads.

“I wish you would come with me to my church,” Jordan says. “It's even Baptist too.”

“You can hardly call it that when they won't help me there, not like Central. I need help with my condition and so does this kid.”

Instead of arguing that point, Jordan's face contorts a bit. “Oh shit Derek...you _like_ him.”

“What? No,” Derek lies. Looking away probably doesn't help his case, but he won't stand the concern in her eyes. “No, definitely not.”

“How old is he?” Jordan asks impatiently and he can tell from her tone that he can't get out of answering her.

“Twenty five.”

“Yeah, he's only four years younger than you and you're calling him kid? You're trying distance yourself from him.”

Derek knows she's right, but he'll never admit it. “That is _so_ not it,” he says, rolling his eyes and hoping she won't push the matter. Derek stands up from the table. “This was clearly a waste of time...I'm not even supposed to be talking to you.”

Jordan stands too, as if she might physically stop him from leaving. “No, wait. I'll...I'll do it.”

“And you won't tell him how we really met?” Derek asks.

“Oh come on, I'm sure he'd love to know your date isn't even all that interested in men,” Jordan teases before her face turns serious. “I'm not dumb Derek. So what is my story?”

“I met you at the same bar as his date.”

Jordan looks skeptical.

“What? He had his back to me,” Derek explains. “He won't know the wiser.”

“Heaven help us.”

***

The movie was thrilling and the restaurant's mood was low-key, so Derek figures the double date is going well, at least for the women anyway; Jordan hasn't said anything embarrassing or revealing and Austin appears to be enjoying herself. So what if he feels like he's drowning and Spencer looks mildly uncomfortable about the whole affair? That's to be expected for men who haven't dated women in years or really...ever.

While there's no way Derek's going to leave Spencer and Jordan alone, he can't stop Jordan and Austin from going to the bathroom together.

“So uh, Jordan seems nice,” Spencer says, picking at his salad, but finally breaking the silence. “Where did you say you met her?”

The truth is on his tongue and it nearly slips out before Derek catches himself. “At the bar, while you were talking to Austin, remember? I guess you didn't notice, huh?”

“Oh, oh, right, I remember you telling me now,” he says, sounding mildly suspicious. “It's just...”

“What?”

“It seems like you've known her a lot longer than that.”

Derek hopes the nervousness doesn't show on his face; he had assumed Spencer wouldn't be able to pick up on little cues, but it seems that he'd underestimated Spencer. Again.

“Well, unlike you and Austin, I've been talking to her on the phone. I mean, I had to make sure she knew that...certain things were non-negotiable.”

“Such as?”

“Church. Traditional values. Not asking about my past. I mean, really Spencer, you should have done the same with Austin,” Derek chastises.

“Well, maybe if you'd given me more time between calling her and this...date, I could have.”

Before he can reply, Jordan announces their return, “What are you boys talking about?”

“Probably us,” Austin teases.

“I knew I should have left my tape recorder on while we were gone.”

Spencer's face twists into something that might have been embarrassment, so Jordan adds “I'm kidding!”

“Says the...journalist, right?” Spencer asks.

“Yep. Didn't think you were paying attention.”

“Trust me, I pay attention to a lot more than people give me credit for.”

“Geez guys,” Derek interrupts. “If I didn't know better, I'd think you two were on a date.”

“You know it's pretty rare for me to go for his type,” Jordan replies and Austin nearly chokes on her water.

“Well, lucky for Derek, you aren't my type either,” Spencer says with a shrug.

“Don't worry about it Spencer. I am totally okay with that. No hurt feelings here,” she says, clearly trying not to laugh.

And that's when Derek waves down the waiter to ask for the check; that's bordering on too close to a conversation he really doesn't want to have.

***

Ignoring Jordan's phone calls after that little stunt is definitely not childish.

***

The thought that Spencer knew he had lied kept Derek up at night for the rest of week. It wasn't a malicious lie and he hoped that Spencer would at least recognize it for what it was - an attempt to help someone whose recovery was more likely to be successful than his own.

The next time they saw each other, Spencer didn't seem to be mad at him. Perhaps he'd misread the situation between Jordan and Austin or maybe he was overestimating Spencer's ability to catch his bullshitting or maybe Spencer really didn't care.

Either way, Derek was probably more thankful for that than he really should be.


	5. Built All My Dreams In The Sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter 5 Warnings:** discussions of bullying

“Jordan's his beard,” Austin states on the drive home from their double date.

“Really?” Spencer asks sarcastically, huffing out a laugh. “You know, it would have been less obvious if you hadn't choked on your water, so thanks for that.”

Austin smacks his arm. “No one likes a show off.”

“Don't hit the driver, you asshole. Besides, I know you love it when I'm a genius.”

Austin rolls her eyes.

Spencer grins back. “No, but how did you figure it out?”

“She told me.” Spencer glares at her. “No really,” she protests. “She told me and then she asked me out. I do feel kinda bad turning her down.”

“Well, I'm sure she'd rather know you're straight now rather than down the road.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Spencer focuses more on driving for a bit, sitting on the question before asking, “Did she say anything else?”

“I didn't press, but she's definitely comfortable with her bisexuality, so I'm not entirely sure why she agreed to come tonight.”

He just shakes his head and Austin changes the subject, which he's more than grateful for.

It isn't until Austin's inside her house before Spencer realizes she's left him a slip of paper with Jordan's phone number on the seat. He tucks it away in his wallet for later.

***

Bowling shouldn't be this fun.

Spencer doesn't even like beer, the shoes smell, and he's never been terribly athletic. Derek offered to get them to put the bumpers up, but Spencer's rare competitive streak came out and he'd given Derek the most scathing glance he possibly could.

But once they start, he realizes there's nothing that could keep him from this. Nothing.

He doesn't know when it happened, but slowly, he's recently come to the conclusion that he's possibly in love with Derek because it's no longer deep platonic feelings of a close friend that he's experiencing. And while the physical was what had initially caught Spencer's interest, it's not just lust either. The more he'd thought on it, perhaps their relationship never had been entirely platonic; Spencer thinks maybe it was the moment Derek first opened his mouth that he'd fallen head-over-heels for the other man.

It's the worst thing ever.

One sleepless night, JJ's warning came back to him and he couldn't begin to comprehend how stupid he was for not believing that he might actually have trouble letting go when it was all over. He can't imagine leaving without Derek, but he can't realistically imagine Derek leaving with him either. Spencer knows it can't happen or rather that it won't; no matter how Spencer feels or even how Derek feels, Derek's far too entrenched in this idea that his sexuality is disordered and needs fixing.

The crack of the ball hitting the pins snaps Spencer back into reality. It's a split and Spencer smirks at the sight.

“What are you gonna do about that?” Spencer asks, a bit smug.

“Whatever man, I get it sometimes.”

“Not as often as you'd like.”

“It doesn't matter, I'm still whooping your ass anyway.”

“I'll catch up!” Spencer protests. “It's all angles and spin. I can figure it out.”

“I'm sure you can, genius,” Derek says, smirking.

Spencer shoves him a little. Playful. Normal. But that's not how Derek reacts. He reacts like he's been burnt and all Spencer can do is stare, embarrassed by his inability to remember himself. It's not like it's something new; the whole time he's known that certain things aren't allowed, but it's like he can't stop himself sometimes.

Finally, Derek takes a deep, shuddering breath. “It's your turn. I'm gonna go get us some more beer.”

He'd like to laugh, he really would; how will imbibing a substance known to lower inhibitions going to help keep them from moving closer and closer together? As Derek walks away, Spencer catches himself staring at his ass, thinking about how well the man fills out his jeans and then sighs because really, he shouldn't be doing that. It's hopeless and pointless and perhaps mildly cruel to the both of them. Spencer knows he should be focusing on his writing and not taunting himself with things he can't have.

But it's like they're on a path where the ground keeps moving forward, no matter how hard they try to run against it.

***

Because he'd been sending out new chapters and edits on a near weekly basis, Spencer had been getting frequent calls from Rossi to talk about the progress of his book. He wasn't always sure he liked the intrusion since it occasionally made it difficult to fully keep that world separate from the life he was currently living, but he understood why Rossi continually pestered him about his writing. Even if Rossi was like family, he was still Spencer's editor and he still had to make sure Reid's book would make a profit for both of their sakes, especially with the fact that doing this story required so much time.

So while Spencer isn't surprised by the call itself, he is surprised by Rossi's accusations.

“I think you're losing objectivity.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This guy, Jim...the way you're writing him is troubling.” When Spencer doesn't respond, Rossi continues, “I showed those parts to Professor Blake.”

“I can't believe you would even...!”

“Spencer,” Rossi interrupts. “There was something off and I needed to get someone else's perspective, especially someone with a linguistic background so they could really...parse out what's going on with you.” He pauses. “She's worried too.”

Spencer can feel the rage building inside him, even though he realizes it's pointless and uncalled for. In the back of his mind, he knows exactly why Rossi is worried and he knows that Rossi has every right to be worried. There's no way to deny that he has feelings for Derek. It'd been accidental, something that snuck up on him and slowly continued to grow stronger. He had no idea that it had seeped into his writing though and that is rather upsetting to him.

“I didn't mean to.”

“Do I need to pull you Spencer?” Rossi asks.

“Nothing's happened.”

“That's not what I asked. Do I need to pull you?”

“I don't think so.”

“Fuck Spencer, I wish you could at least sound a little more confident.”

“Me too, but I just...I have so much invested Rossi and it's not like I would do anything. It wouldn't be...he's not...he _won't_ and there's no way I'd push him into anything. That'd be wrong on so many levels...I didn't change his past that much. You know I wouldn't...”

“I do Spencer, I know you wouldn't do it on purpose. If you stay, it's only for a few more weeks. I don't care if you don't get everything you feel you need for the book. You have to pull out early. Don't make me send Erin or Blake down there to get your ass back home.”

“Okay, okay...I'll push harder for the last few things and then I'll come home. I promise.”

***

He never knew how much a smile could hurt, how much someone else's happiness could burn and burrow it's way deep inside him. It doesn't matter how many times he sees Derek smile; each one feels new and he can't resist the pull, especially when those smiles reach his eyes. It tugs him further and further in and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

But the tender expression when Spencer shares in group hurts in a different way. The concern displayed on Derek's face is genuine and Spencer almost wishes it wasn't.

The only problem is there's no possible way for Derek to know that Spencer doesn't even deserve the slightest amount of pleasure or pity.

***

“Back in middle school,” Tobias starts, “a lot of kids used to make fun of me, said I dressed like a homo...”

Spencer should have seen it coming; school was often a hellhole for anyone who was even slightly different and he'd had his own experiences in that area. The one thing Spencer realizes he'd never considered was how being a preacher's kid could magnify the abuse a kid might suffer at the hands of his peers. As Tobias continues to lay out multiple incidents, Spencer's stomach clenches in sympathy; he can hardly stand to hear it, much less what comes next.

“Well, boys will be boys Tobias,” Jason says with an air of callousness. “It's part of growing up and you can't really hold it against them, especially not after all this time.”

When he catches Derek staring at him, Spencer belatedly realizes he's clenching his fists in his lap and grinding his teeth. A deep breath helps, but not as much as he wishes it would.

“It's really not that big of a deal.”

“No,” Spencer says and without realizing it, he's standing up, turned towards Tobias. “No, it is a big deal, it's a _huge_ deal, and I'm sorry there weren't people who listened to you back then and I'm sorry you're still getting told this, but what you went through matters and anyone who says differently is a bully themselves.”

Tobias looks at him like he's absolutely lost it.

He doesn't look at Jason. He doesn't look at anyone else.

He just walks out, feeling everyone's eyes burning on his back.

***

The text is short.

_DOA and pizza no arguing_

He might have even smiled if he wasn't so agitated.

***

As they wait for the pizza to arrive, they play video games. It has the dual effect of letting him work off some of the rage and keeping conversation to a minimum. The knock on the door signals the pizza's arrival, but it's not until the pizza's on their plates before Derek speaks.

“Spencer.”

He looks up from his plate and wishes he hadn't. Derek's eyes are shining slightly and they shouldn't; pity isn't what he deserves.

“You know, you're not the only one who identifies with Tobias.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don't look it now, but I got beat up every day for years. This,” Derek says, gesturing to his body, “was never about vanity Spencer. It was about survival.” 

And that's when the dam breaks. The words tumble out of his mouth without any thought about how Derek might take a story of a young boy being bound naked to a flagpole after being lured there by his biggest crush, the captain of the football team. Spencer's voice cracks and breaks when he talks about his mom being too sick to notice, but he doesn't cry. He hasn't cried about it before and he won't start now.

Spencer changes the subject immediately after, shaking it off as best he can; Derek nods slightly and follows along.

***

“Penelope, I'm just...I'm so lost right now.”

“How so?”

“I haven't been entirely honest with you about some aspects of what's been going on for me.”

Penelope smiles kindly. “That's not entirely uncommon, even for people as cognizant of their mental state as you are. So what's up?”

Spencer stares off into space for a bit. It's difficult enough to tell Penelope that there are things he'd been ignoring. For all his understanding of therapy and psychology, he never once thought he would hold something this big back.

“I'm attracted to one of the group members.” Penelope sits back in her chair, waiting for more. “It's bad enough that my publisher wants me to go home early.”

“Is it Derek?” When Spencer glares at her, she says, “What? You talk about him more than the rest of the group. It was a logical leap to go from that to who you might be attracted to.”

“It's not like I can really tell him how I feel, but at the same time, it's eating me up inside to just wallow in it. Derek's become my closest friend down here and even though I'm leaving early, I feel like I can't tell him because he'll start avoiding me. Which is so completely illogical, I know, because he _should_ be avoiding me.”

“Logic and feelings don't always go together Spencer.”

“I wish they did!” he yells, completely frustrated with himself. “I wouldn't be in this stupid position if I could find a way to separate my feelings from what I have to do and I'm sick to death of bottling all this up.”

“It's human to feel this way and I hate to tell you that you can't make it go away, as much as you'd like it to.”

“I just want Derek to be happy, you know? Not this bullshit pious crap that he really doesn't believe in. You know, they are constantly talking about sin and hellfire, at church and sometimes at group, but Derek never does. He says wrong and dirty and unhealthy and I can't help wondering if he had something healthy, if he wouldn't just...walk away.”

“Spencer...”

“It's unrealistic, I know. I just wish it wasn't,” he says and then turns to look out the window because there's not anything else to say.

***

All Spencer wanted was to write a book. It would be a book that could maybe save people the heartbreak of ex-gay therapy or that could give people the tools to understand what their loved ones put themselves through.

Now all he wants is a way to save the one person who definitely doesn't want to be saved.

Spencer gets it, in the vaguest sense. He can only imagine how difficult it must be for someone who was sexually abused as a child to fully come to terms with their sexuality. Spencer can see the way it makes sense that Derek wants to avoid it, that he feels his orientation is the problem rather than the abuse. At the same time, it doesn't. He knows he'll never fully know what it's like, but still, he tries to understand.

And maybe that's why the last thing he imagined happening was sitting across from Penelope three weeks later to tell her just how royally he's fucked things up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have not seen last week's CM episode (8x15, Broken) and you're reading this fic, you must go watch the episode! It dealt with ex-gay conversion camps and from my 7 months of researching and writing this fic, I will vouch for it being extremely accurate to what I've read (which of course means it's absolutely heart-breaking). And if you are here because you were intrigued by an ex-gay AU due to watching the episode, welcome!
> 
> I want to be upfront: **chapter 6 is not completely done and might not be released right on schedule** (March 14). So if the next chapter takes a little longer to come out, please know that I'm working on it. Thanks for (potentially) being understanding!


	6. A Little More Than I Can Give

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: possible consent issues

When Derek asks to play a few hands of poker instead of a movie, Spencer is surprised but amenable. He tries to tell himself that it's to keep things from getting monotonous, but Derek knows what he really wants is to see the kid in action. And even though he's expecting Spencer to be good, Derek thought he'd be able to win at least a few hands. Yet, as each round goes by, it becomes more apparent that Derek underestimated Spencer's skill and that Spencer isn't going to show him any mercy. It's impressive and if a chill runs up Derek's spine every now and again, well, that's his problem.

“At least tell me you were counting cards,” Derek says, walking Spencer to the door at the end of the night.

Spencer shakes his head, a wide grin spreading across his face. “Counting cards is cheating and I like to win, fair and square. You can't say I didn't warn you. Repeatedly.”

“Whatever man. Considering you took all my money, you're paying for the next five dinners.”

Spencer starts to snark back, but without meaning to, Derek ruffles Spencer's hair. They both freeze, thrown off by the casual touch. A little strand of hair hangs in Spencer's face and when Derek reaches out and pushes it behind his ear, Spencer's breath hitches. Even as the color rises on Spencer’s cheekbones, he looks Derek right in the eye, unafraid but questioning.

You should be afraid, Derek thinks.

Before Derek thinks twice about it, his mouth presses against Spencer's and Spencer is kissing him right back. Letting out a low moan, Spencer sweeps his tongue along Derek's lower lip. Derek sighs, his tongue darting out to meet Spencer's, but as he starts to lift his hands to cup Spencer's jaw, everything comes crashing down inside him. He breaks away from the kiss, gently pushing Spencer away.

Spencer stares at him, wide-eyed and finally afraid.

“I'm sorry,” Derek says. “I'm so, so sorry...that was wrong, very wrong...I'm...”

“Shhh,” Spencer interrupts, reaching towards him in what must be an attempt to comfort him; Derek flinches away from it and Spencer pulls back. “Uh, it's ok, we all uh...mess up sometimes? And I definitely shouldn't have kissed you back. That was really not...I shouldn't have...”

“I need you to go.”

“I...” Spencer pauses, apparently thinking something through. “I'll go, but promise me we're okay.”

“Yes just...go. I can't be around you right now, possibly ever. You're just too much temptation Spencer and I can't deal with that.”

Before Spencer turns and walks out of his house, Derek swears Spencer is on the edge of tears.

***

When Spencer stands up in group two days later, Derek braces himself for the very worst. Losing his way is bad enough without it being paraded all over a group session, especially because he's worried they might kick Spencer out of the group as well. After Spencer left the previous night, Derek immediately started looking for a new program, something highly structured and strict. He knew he needed to find a place that would swiftly punish him for stupidly thinking he could just hang out with a guy he was extremely attracted to without straying from the path he'd set for himself. Ice baths and electric shock are in his very immediate future.

“I fell off the wagon last night. Kinda,” Spencer says, his words getting faster as he speaks. “I don't know, he kissed me, so it's not like I meant to? But then I was kissing him back so I'm not entirely blameless.”

The whole group freezes and he hopes Gideon will read it as the tension of a fellow member slipping up. Derek tries his best to not visibly flinch, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. No one is staring at him; they’re all fixated on Spencer.

“Well, why don't you back up?” Jason asks. “Because I think you need to look at the whole picture as to why it happened or else you'll end up making similar mistakes down the road.”

“I met him at a bookstore,” Spencer begins and Derek slowly lets out the breath he'd been holding in. Spencer continues his lie by saying he didn't know that his friend was gay.

“What made it worse is that yeah, okay, he's definitely physically attractive, but his personality has me hooked and he's become one of my closest friends. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him. I wanted him so much, I wanted more than I got. I would have let him devour me, even though I know I can't have more.” Spencer sighs. “My biggest problem is that I don't want to let go of that friendship, even though it's tempting me.”

“It sounds like you might have to,” Emily says and Derek wants to crawl under a rock even more. “It's not good to keep sinful influences in your life, especially ones who are attracted to you as well.”

Spencer nods. “I guess that's what I need prayer for this week. I need for you guys to pray that I can let go and let God.”

As they gather around Spencer, he tries to ignore the source of his distress; instead, the pain just becomes that much more intense.

***

Tuesday night, Spencer doesn't show up at Derek's for their usual dinner and he doesn't call or text. Derek knows it's for the best and that Spencer's only doing what he had asked of him.

But it still hurts and Derek wishes he could convince himself that it doesn't.

***

The next group session, Spencer is quiet, sullen; even Elle talks more than Spencer, which is quite an impressive feat.

Derek makes mention of feeling like everything is harder, more so than usual, but refuses to share more. Jason is clearly displeased by his withholding and Derek finds that he doesn't particularly care. It feels like everyone is eyeing him with suspicion instead of support - hell, he’d rather have their sympathy if they all think they _know_.

The knot in his stomach grows as the group prays for him to overcome his struggles.

Because maybe if he truly believed in God, he’d actually believe that his attractions were a temptation from Satan and maybe if he believed that, therapy would actually work.

_'Lead us not into temptation,'_ he prays silently, knowing just how useless it is.

 

***

“You're the one who kissed Spencer,” Jason states on Friday, steady and sure at their individual session.

Derek doesn't deny it, just looks away.

“You lied to the group. You lied to _me_ ,” Jason says in restrained rage before adding, “You know, Spencer didn't lie."

That gets his attention. “What?”

“He told me three weeks into his treatment that he was attracted to you. I asked if it was going to be a problem and he said it wouldn't. So... _you_ were the one to kiss him.”

It isn't even a real question and he can’t tell if it’s true or not, but Derek hears the implications behind it. “Yes, of course.”

“Then I assume you understand what has to happen.”

Derek nods. “I've already started looking for a new program.”

***

When Spencer opens the door to his apartment, Derek pushes inside, kissing Spencer passionately and kicking the door closed behind them.

“I know I shouldn't ask you for this, I'm sorry,” he whispers against Spencer's lips, “but please, I need it. I need you.”

Spencer's breath hitches. “Me too, but I...are you sure? Because I can't...not if you're not completely sure.” 

Instead of answering, Derek pulls him back into a hungry kiss. He can feel when Spencer gives in, melting against him and kissing back as if he's been craving just this. Derek doesn't really want to consider the ramifications of what they’re doing. The last thing he wants right now are _words_ and _thinking_ and he really hopes Spencer can understand that.

After untucking Spencer's button up, he reaches behind, splaying his hands across Spencer's smooth back and Spencer shudders under his touch. It scares Derek a little because for a second he wonders if Spencer's changed his mind, but Spencer doesn't pull back and then he moans into Derek's mouth, so it must be alright.

Derek stops the kiss himself, but only to pull his t-shirt up and off before licking his way back into Spencer's mouth. Spencer's hands glide down along his abs until they're resting right at the edge of his jeans. Maybe it's a question, maybe not, but Derek breaks the kiss to whisper, "Bedroom?"

It’s not quite an answer, but the question wasn’t quite asked either. It’s just that, in this moment, what he needs to know is that Spencer understands what they’re doing and that Spencer wants Derek enough that he’ll be okay dealing with the regret that’s sure to come.

With only the slightest hint of hesitation, Spencer tucks his fingers into Derek's waistband and pulls him farther into the apartment. Derek bites at Spencer's lips and plucks at the buttons of his shirt as best he can so that when they finally manage to make it into the bedroom, he's able to push it right off Spencer's skinny shoulders.

Spencer keeps pulling until he's right at the edge of the bed and breaks away to sit, leaving him staring right at where Derek's jeans are tented, looking intent but perhaps a little unsure. Derek unbuttons his jeans and shimmies out of them and as well as his boxers. Before Spencer can reach for him, he gets on the bed, moving until he's sitting against the pillows, hoping Spencer will join him. A sigh of relief escapes him when Spencer takes off the rest of his clothes as well and crawls up the bed, draping himself over Derek. It reminds him of his dream from a few weeks back and he shivers at the thought of being inside Spencer. It won't happen, there's not enough time for that, not to mention the high probability that Spencer lacks the necessary items, but he grasps Spencer's hips like in the dream anyway, pulling their groins together. They both moan at the contact and Spencer grinds down, adding to the pleasure.

One of Derek's hands comes up and tangles in Spencer's hair, pulling him down for another kiss. It's different this time - soft and sweet and far less desperate - and it's exactly what he needs. He's not sure how Spencer manages to know that and it almost seems like they were made for this. The thought throws him off for a moment, but he knows he can't fully deny that what they've got is a good thing.

Spencer's mouth moves down Derek's jaw to his neck and Spencer's breathy grunts and gasps being so close to his ear spur him on. He grabs Spencer's ass and picks up the pace of their hips, desire twisting in his gut over the seductive little whine it forces out of Spencer's lips.

"Touch me," Spencer whispers. "Please."

It's a request Derek rushes to indulge, reaching between them and wrapping his hand around both of their erections. Spencer bucks hard into the touch, obviously close to the edge; he's already shaking with need and when Derek's knuckles brush against Spencer's stomach, the muscles are pulled deliciously tight. It's hard to take his eyes off where his hand is, but the short glance at Spencer's face leaves him shuddering. Spencer is so open and vulnerable that it's more than he can handle; he stays focused on Spencer's cock.

Which is probably for the best because Spencer comes soon after, writhing desperately in his lap.

Spencer is still practically panting as he starts licking his way down Derek's body. The teasing licks to his stomach eventually become long, slow licks to his cock and balls and Derek spreads his legs wider, giving Spencer more room to settle between his legs. It's a longer tease than he generally prefers, but it's Spencer and somehow, that makes it okay.

When Spencer's mouth finally wraps around his erection, Derek fully sinks into the pleasure he feels. His hand sweeps through Spencer's hair, lightly cradling his skull, and Spencer sucks harder, tonguing at the slit. Gritting his teeth, Derek starts to thrust up into Spencer's mouth; it's all too much and not quite enough until Derek looks down sees Spencer staring back up at him.

That vulnerable look is still there and this time, instead of looking away, his eyes lock on. He loses himself in it, his orgasm overcoming any lingering guilt.

As he comes down, small, worshiping kisses cover Derek's jaw. Basking in the afterglow and the satisfaction of feeling complete is short lived though. Fear and pain come back in a flash and Derek tries to pull away from Spencer's grasp, now feeling far too claustrophobic to be held.

"No, let me go Spencer," Derek says, his voice sounding way too high for his taste. Spencer releases him and he starts scrambling around the room, looking for his clothes and desperately pulling them back on. "I have to...go. Oh God, please forgive me."

"It's okay Derek."

“I wasn't talking to you!” Derek shouts. “This was wrong Spencer...I messed up again, don't you get that? Not only did I put my own salvation at risk, but I took you down with me.”

When Spencer doesn't answer, Derek looks up from his search. It's apparently the prompt that Spencer needs.

"You don't need to worry about my salvation," Spencer bitterly spits out. “And I don't believe you're actually worried about yours anyway.”

Derek feels like all the air has left the room. "What does _that_ even mean?"

“I don't think there's anything wrong with what we just did. I never thought there was!” Spencer shouts before shaking his head and reining his feelings back in. “I never wanted to 'heal' my sexuality. I'm not even Christian, okay?”

“All this time, you were...lying?” Derek is completely dumbfounded; his own faith might be a little shaky, but why would someone lie about it if they weren't looking for help with their sexuality?

“I...yes,” Spencer admits. There's a calmness in his admission that makes Derek feel ill.

“Why? Were we all some kind of joke to you? Look at the silly Christians, trying to make themselves right with God?” he asks, but he doesn't wait for an answer, just turns and walks away.

Spencer calls out, “That's not it! Please, just let me explain.”

Derek shakes his head and keeps walking. He's nearly out of the apartment before it dawns on him; even though he'd only ever been here to pick Spencer up, he feels stupid for not picking up on it sooner. “Why are all your walls so bare? And there's hardly any furniture. It's...an artificial dwelling for an artificial life, just like my undercover crashpad a couple years back.” He turns back to Spencer, who has thankfully put his boxers back on. “What the fuck is going on?”

Spencer takes a deep breath, but it leaves him like a shudder. “I'm an investigative writer.”

“You're...what?”

“I'm writing a book on ex-gay therapy and the people who seek it out.”

Derek stands there for a moment without the slightest clue of what to say until it dawns on him. The mere thought of it makes it difficult to breathe. “And all the things I told you, they're just going to be out there for anyone to read?”

“That's not how it works. It's...everything changed around so no one will recognize you.”

“No one will...you think that's the _only_ thing that matters? I trusted you, no, _we_ trusted you and you just...you're just gonna spit on it.”

Spencer looks thoroughly ashamed and Derek's fine with that as he leaves the apartment.

***

Derek gets a single text at 3 am:

      _coming out at thurs group, will leave after_

Maybe it's a bad idea, but he knows he'll go. Despite how livid and betrayed he feels, Derek wants to see Spencer one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone for being so incredibly patient in waiting for this chapter and a gigantic thank you to my beta, lilijuliet, for being her amazing self.


	7. A Little More Than I Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my beta, lilijuliet, who put up with my consistently low self-esteem and who somehow manages to be gently encouraging in all the ways I need without letting me get away with shit. This story would not be the same without her.

Lying in his bed with what feels like the worst hangover he's ever experienced, Spencer knows without a doubt that he must leave as soon as possible. He's made such a mess of everything, done everything that he told himself he wouldn't do, and in the process, it's likely that he's completely obliterated the mental health of the one person he truly cares for.

Leaving now is the only way to do right by Derek. Hopefully, not being around will minimize any further damage. That's the main thing Spencer tells himself, but he's honest enough with himself to see that it's a small, selfish piece of comfort, one that only serves to obscure the truth; he's relieved to think he'll be gone before the damage starts to show on Derek's face.

In short, Spencer's perhaps the most despicable person he's ever met.

***

The wait is excruciating. He spends most of the weekend staring at his computer screen, unable to write a word. Each thought that comes to him is more disparaging and damning than the one before it. Eventually, Spencer gives up, settling on blankly watching the few dvds he has. Canceling his coffee date with Emily is easy compared to canceling his one-on-one session with Jason; Spencer's half worried the man will show up at his apartment and drag him there, kicking and screaming. After he finishes with the phone calls, Spencer finds that boxing up his apartment helps distract his brain for a little while, though not as much as he'd like.

On Wednesday, the first thing Spencer says when Penelope closes the door to her office is "You can completely clear me from your schedule."

"Whoa, hey, let's at least sit down before you start making rash decisions," she says.

Spencer rests on the edge of the chair, ready to launch himself up and out of the office at any moment. “Didn't you know? Rash decisions are all I seem to make these days.”

“Spencer?” Penelope asks, a hint of trepidation coloring her voice as she sits down across from him.

“I didn't mean to. Derek came to me and...” He shakes his head, disgusted with himself. “I'm going back to New York after group tomorrow. I thought you'd want to know as soon as possible, so you can free up my space for someone who actually deserves it.”

Penelope reaches across the space between them to grasp his hand. “You have always deserved my time Spencer. Always.”

His throat goes dry and scratchy at that; she doesn't understand just how detestable he is for what he's done.

Despite his original intention of leaving before the hour was up, a somewhat sanitized version of Friday's events spill out of him. Penelope continues to look at him with sympathy through the entire incriminating recollection and it makes his chest feel tight. After Spencer leaves her office, he realizes he doesn't remember a single thing Penelope said, just the hug she gave him along with a list of therapists in his area. That's okay; he's spent enough time with her to learn that sometimes just the act of verbalizing what's happened is enough.

***

Coming into group slightly late is a deliberate decision; arriving any earlier would be far too awkward, especially because Spencer doesn't know what everyone else knows. Both Jason and Emily might have an inkling and that's enough to make him worried that the others know too.

As he walks into the basement, Spencer catches Jason saying, “Derek came to see me yesterday and he has something he'd like to share with the group.”

Spencer hangs back, so as to not interrupt; he's certainly curious as to what Derek will say without him present.

“I've been lying to you guys,” Derek says, his voice on the edge of breaking. “It's not my feelings for a coworker I've been struggling with, it's...Spencer. And we...I gave into temptation and brought Spencer down with me.”

Spencer's heart drops at the way Derek takes on all the blame for what happened between them. It makes him sick to know that Derek must have spent nearly a week beating himself up over their night together when Spencer knows it's not Derek who deserves the punishment. 

There's some murmuring from the group before Jason says, “Because this is on Derek's shoulders, he will be leaving.”

"No," Spencer says, everyone's head snapping towards him as he enters the room. "That's not fair, I'm just as much to blame, if not more."

Jason's eyes widen. "Well, one of you has to leave and..."

"And I am. I'm going back to New York because I don't...I'm not...I'm done with this." Spencer turns towards the other members who are clearly in shock as well. "This is all such shit and I hope one day you'll be able to realize there's nothing wrong with any of you. _Nothing_."

Spencer uses the last of his energy to look directly at Derek. "But if you really want to continue, if that's what you think will make you happy..." Spencer swallows hard, hating what he has to say. "Then don't move again. You should be allowed to stay and if Jason doesn't let you, even with me gone, think about what that says."

With his piece said, Spencer walks out of the church for the last time. It's certainly not how he pictured things going, but it'd have to do; the movers are waiting for him, ready to take him back to New York.

***

"What the fuck did you do to him?" Jordan screams from the other end of the line.

Spencer squirms, even though he's been expecting this phone call since he mailed her a letter as he was leaving a couple of days ago. "Between my sudden departure, as well as the numbers and information I gave you, I think you probably have a pretty good idea."

"Yeah, except Derek won't talk to me. Not about you, not about anything at all! It's more than just his obvious crush on you and you leaving that's caused...whatever this is that he's going through."

Spencer hums in pained agreement. "I'm not surprised, but...he's still in Memphis? He's not leaving?"

"I don't know! What part of 'he won't talk to me' didn't you understand?"

"Sorry, I just...I really screwed everything up and I feel like scum for it, okay? Please keep trying though. He's going to need you."

“Oh trust me, I will, but don't you dare think for a second that I'm doing it for you.”

Before Spencer can say anything else, the line goes dead.

***

It's barely been a week after he leaves Memphis when he calls Austin. Spencer's never done that before; the people he meets while undercover don't get access to his real life. Then again, he never did anything so incredibly fucked up as sleeping with someone he met while undercover. Rossi doesn't really understand and neither does Blake, not fully, but Austin was there and she saw them together. She gets it.

"How are you doing?" she asks.

Spencer sighs because hearing her voice immediately makes him want to avoid the topic all together. "You think I wanna talk about it?"

"Not really, but it was worth a shot."

"Tell me something good instead?"

She laughs and it's a hopeful noise. "Well, I started seeing someone. Does that count as good?"

It probably does, but it's hard to parse out what he wants to say about it. Sure, Spencer's delighted to hear she's happy - even though it brings along some rather irrelevant jealousy - but that delight is still heavily tainted by concern since her last relationship ended violently. At the same time, he knows Austin is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and Spencer doesn't want to make her feel otherwise.

"He's good to you?" Spencer finally asks.

"Yeah," she says. "And I can hear what you're thinking all the way from here. I knew Matt before I transitioned, so it's not an issue you need to be worried about, okay?"

"Good," Spencer says, utterly relieved. "Tell me more about him."

It's easy from there to let her ramble excitedly about their first date. The words wash over him, calming and inviting. He winces when Austin mentions that Jordan approves of Matt; just the mention of her name brings back the memory of her voice, angry and passionate and rightfully so. But he knows it's a good thing too; he knows now how fiercely loyal Jordan is and she wouldn't approve of just anyone.

Other than that bit of guilt popping back up, the call is relaxing and a much needed distraction from his own mind.

***

At first, he doesn't quite know what to do about the book.

It's not like Spencer has never considered the ethical ramifications of writing an exposé before; he's written plenty of them in the past and there's always a slight guilt about "betraying" his subjects' trust, no matter how much he's obscured their identities. But he'd never sat in what's essentially therapy and used people's darkest secrets, things told in complete confidence, in his writing.

At the same time, Spencer still feels that the book has an importance that he can't ignore. He's seen the suffering the members went through and the suffering they continued to inflict on themselves and he knows he can't stay silent on the matter.

Rossi almost won't let him publish it. Not because of any regret on his part for not pulling him sooner or the admittedly emotional writing, but because of the dedication Spencer insists on.

_While I believe I've done the right thing, I'm sorry for any additional suffering I may have caused in doing so. Please forgive me._

***

"You aren't allowed to tell him I called," Jordan hisses, as if Derek's actually in the room, though Spencer doubts he is.

Spencer's breath catches. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh god no, Derek just...well, he read your book."

"Oh," he breathes out, dizzy and anxious for a wholly different reason now.

"And he started seeing that therapist, Garcia? From what he'll tell me, it sounds like it's going well," Jordan says. "I still think you're an asshole, but I thought you should to know."

He's so overwhelmed that he can't speak for a moment. Spencer clears his throat. "Yes, you, uh, didn't have to call, but...thank you for calling anyway."

"You're welcome," she says before hanging up.

The phone call leaves him stunned. He'd hoped Derek would get help, but he's always tried to be realistic about the probability of it actually happening. He spends some time wondering about his role in everything, but in the end, he comes to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter; he's just happy Derek's getting help.

***

His interest in writing wanes and Rossi graciously lets him get away with editing other people's works for over a year. It's Professor Blake who draws him out of his shell and convinces him to try his hand at fiction again. The book is mediocre at best, but Rossi publishes it anyway.

In an attempt to deal with his loneliness, Spencer goes on a few dates, but nothing comes of them. It's not that he doesn't try, but he finds himself comparing them to Derek. Spencer doesn't need a therapist to tell him how unhealthy that is.

Talking to Austin helps ease his ache, but he doesn't ask about Derek. Spencer knows he came in and upturned Derek's whole life; he feels like he at least owes the man his privacy. After all, if Derek really wanted to contact him, he has plenty of people who know how to get in touch with him.

***

The knock at the door startles Spencer because he isn't expecting anyone. When he opens the door, he's even more shocked.

"Don't say anything," Derek says as if Spencer has any air left in him to speak.

"Okay," he croaks out and steps aside to let Derek in.

He leads Derek to the living room, motioning him to sit. Derek studies him intently from across the couch and though Spencer tries his hardest to keep his eyes on Derek, he ends up looking away.

"So this is the real you," Derek says and Spencer's eyes snap back to his face, but Derek's not looking at him. He's gazing around the room and Spencer feels a little ill at the memory it brings back.

"When you left, I was so angry at you,” Derek says softly. “Angry at you for betraying our trust, for making me feel things I told myself I was done with, and eventually, for leaving before I could really figure everything out. You kinda put me through the ringer Spencer and I still...it's still hard for me.”

Spencer nods, remorse welling up. This much he has known or at least suspected, though it hurts to hear it confirmed aloud.

"I'm trying to get better and...I mean, not like before. I'm trying to accept myself, love myself, and therapy has helped, but I miss you."

"I can't fix you," Spencer interjects.

And, with the way Derek's face falls, Spencer realizes it sounds like an outright rejection, so he grabs Derek's hand, holding on until Derek looks up.

"It's not a no, just that I think we need to start over again, take things slow. How long are you in town for?" Spencer asks.

Derek has the decency to look somewhat bashful as he answers, "Well, I took a job here, so hopefully quite awhile."

“I'm sure Penelope had some thoughts on that,” Spencer says, realizing a second too late that he's not actually supposed to know that Derek had been seeing her; Derek just raises an eyebrow at him. "No, I...Penelope didn't tell me, you know she's better than that. Jordan called awhile back."

"Don't worry, she fessed up when I told her I was moving here," Derek says, quite clearly amused.

"Okay, but there's this thing called transference and I hope you at least stuck around long enough for Penelope to explain that to you.”

Derek laughs. “You bet your ass she explained it. And then she gave me a couple recommendations for therapists living here.”

“Well, if we have Penelope's blessing...”

“Yes, but only if we go slow, like you said.”

Spencer squeezes Derek's hand. “Then we'll go slow.”

And as a smile spreads across Derek's face, Spencer feels right for the first time since he moved to Tennessee.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the ending I envisioned from the start; something hopeful, but still a little jagged around the edges. I know that there are going to be people who hate this or be disappointed by it and I'm okay with that. This story has never been a happy story and ending on a "and then they lived happily ever after!" note would just be too much of a pasta party for my taste.
> 
>  **Completing this fic doesn't mean I'm done with this verse** ; I already have two oneshots planned out and eventually I do want to further explore the conflict of falling for someone who is undercover while you hate yourself and how it plays out when you get to know the person without their facade and without your self-hatred (aka a third oneshot), but **please, please, PLEASE for the love of all that is good do NOT demand or beg me to write it right this instant, ask me when I'll post more, etc etc etc**. It will come, I promise; all that stuff does is ramp up my anxiety and makes me less productive and no one wants that, right? Right.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> (ps i made a [fanmix](http://fdorkfic.tumblr.com/post/58447905146/a-glitch-in-my-soul-a-fanmix-based-off-the) on my fic tumblr and i'll probably be doing author commentary on ao3/lj, if you're interested)


End file.
